This means that clients who have a Health Spending Account through SunLife can be reimbursed for the fees they pay to their doula. The client will pay the doula and the doula will provide a receipt for her fee. The client will then submit that receipt for reimbursement. NOTE: The doula has to be certified.

Can I tell you a secret?

I'm a little afraid of the Internet this week. August 1st -7th is World Breastfeeding Week, and as a breastfeeding mom, I'm ready to shout my success from the proverbial Internet rooftops. I've nursed Ben for 14 months, and I have been pretty vocal about how I've overcome some nasty hurdles so that I could breastfeed him.

But I am also a former formula-feeding mom. Max grew strong and healthy with formula, and I remember how it felt to see so many moms high-fiving each other during World Breastfeeding Week. Of course I was thrilled for them, but I was heartbroken for myself. I felt ostracized by their celebrations, and became increasingly fragile and sensitive to judgment.

There's going to be drama on the Internet this week, ladies. Moms like to shame each other. We do it because we're exhausted, or frustrated, or feeling unsure about our own parenting choices. So in honor of the warrior moms on both sides of the World Breastfeeding Week celebrations, I officially present to you 30 Ways That Breastfeeding and Bottle-Feeding Are Exactly The Same:

1. You are only half-awake when you have to feed your baby at 3 a.m. And again at 3:45 a.m. And again at 5:15 a.m sweet Jesus why are you still waking up little baby?!

2. You hold your breath when it's time for their weigh-in at the pediatrician's office, and cross your fingers for just a few more ounces gained this time.

3. You cry over spilled milk. That stuff is precious, and it's painful when it's wasted.

4. You pay way too much attention to your baby's poop. Is there enough? What color is it? Will you be in the middle of the grocery store when they have their next blow-out?

5. You become an artful dodger of spit-up.

6. You will argue with someone over how you are feeding your baby, when you are feeding your baby, or what you are feeding your baby.

7. You will wonder if you're doing it wrong, and convince yourself that everyone else has learned how to do it right.

8. You'll start out at the bottom of the learning curve, and look back with pride when you realize that it didn't get easier... you got better at it.

9. You'll rely heavily on a vice to get you through the first few months of constant feeding. Coffee, Sonic drinks, wine, decaf tea, chocolate. Something that is just for you.

10. You will pray that your baby falls asleep while you're feeding him. You will close your eyes and pretend to be asleep, so that they get bored and go to sleep. Mostly, you will actually fall asleep.

11. You will talk to yourself. A lot. As if your baby could actually read your mind, and hear the "Please go to sleep. Please go to sleep. Please go to sleep. Oh my God what the hell was that NOISE?!" prayer.

12. As soon as you sit down to feed the baby, your toddler wants something.

13. As soon as you sit down to feed the baby, the doorbell rings.

14. As soon as you sit down to feed the baby, you hear your 5-year-old dumping an entire bag of pretzels on the floor because he is "big now, Mom" and can get his own snacks.

15. Your baby tries to grab your glasses off of your face every time you feed her. You give up and let her. Who needs to see, when you're pretending to be asleep?

16. Regardless of what you're feeding her, she would prefer your drink. And it's even better if she can put her entire arm in your glass.

17. You will obsess over having "enough" to feed her.

18. You think a lot about feeding your baby, but not enough about feeding yourself. So you eat Goldfish crackers for breakfast and try not to drop crumbs on the baby's head as you feed him.

19. When you are feeding your baby in public, you convince yourself that everyone is watching you... and judging you.

20. You will have to pee as soon as your baby stops crying and starts eating.

21. Your baby will get distracted by the noise of a butterfly cruising by outside the window, or a train coming through the town 30 miles away. Your feeding session will be over when he tries to catch the butterfly, or board the train.

22. You'll cry when you have to go back to work, and let someone else feed him.

23. You'll cry when it hits you that you're never going back to work, and that you're the one who will be responsible for feeding him forever and ever until the end of time.

24. Your mother-in-law will have an opinion about how you feed your baby.

25. Your pediatrician, your neighbor, and the guy who bags your groceries will, too.

26. You'll obsess over whether or not your baby will take a bottle from the sitter the first time you go out on a date night.

27. You are secretly proud of the fact that you are the only one who can get him to go to sleep, because you have that special thing that you do together while he eats, and you sing that special song that only you sing.

28. One day you take a breath, and realize that you did it. You've made it this far, and you really are OK.

29. So you look back and you reach your hand out to the mom who is just starting the journey, and you promise her that you'll teach her your tricks. That she can do it, too. And you tell her that the best part of feeding your baby with love, is that...

30. You will memorize the way his eyelashes melt into his cheeks as he drinks, and live for the moments when his chubby little palm pats your arm. The best part of your day will be the silent minutes when you and your baby relax into each other, and he eats, and you breathe, and you rock.

Kim Simon is a Co-Founder of the I Support You project, which aims to foster understanding and connection between formula-feeding and breastfeeding moms. To learn more about this campaign, please visit the I Support You Movement or Mama By The Bay.

This article is part of HuffPost Parents' World Breastfeeding Week series. Read more here.

Earlier this year, I wrote about teaching empathy, and whether you are a parent who does so. The idea behind it is from Richard Weissbourd, a Harvard psychologist with the graduate school of education, who runs the Making Caring Common project, aimed to help teach kids to be kind.

I know, you’d think they are or that parents are teaching that themselves, right? Not so, according to a new study released by the group. (Chat with Weissbourd here.)

About 80 percent of the youth in the study said their parents were more concerned with their achievement or happiness than whether they cared for others. The interviewees were also three times more likely to agree that “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”

Weissbourd and his cohorts have come up with recommendations about how to raise children to become caring, respectful and responsible adults. Why is this important? Because if we want our children to be moral people, we have to, well, raise them that way.

“Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on them. They need adults who will help them become caring, respectful, and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood,” the researchers write.

The five strategies to raise moral, caring children, according to Making Caring Common:

1. Make caring for others a priority

Why? Parents tend to prioritize their children’s happiness and achievements over their children’s concern for others. But children need to learn to balance their needs with the needs of others, whether it’s passing the ball to a teammate or deciding to stand up for friend who is being bullied.
How? Children need to hear from parents that caring for others is a top priority. A big part of that is holding children to high ethical expectations, such as honoring their commitments, even if it makes them unhappy. For example, before kids quit a sports team, band, or a friendship, we should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting.
Try this
• Instead of saying to your kids: “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” say “The most important thing is that you’re kind.”
• Make sure that your older children always address others respectfully, even when they’re tired, distracted, or angry.
• Emphasize caring when you interact with other key adults in your children’s lives. For example, ask teachers whether your children are good community members at school.

2. Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
Why? It’s never too late to become a good person, but it won’t happen on its own. Children need to practice caring for others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to others’ lives. Studies show that people who are in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving—and they’re also more likely to be happy and healthy.
How? Learning to be caring is like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition—whether it’s a helping a friend with homework, pitching in around the house, or having a classroom job—make caring second nature and develop and hone youth’s caregiving capacities. Learning gratitude similarly involves regularly practicing it.
Try this
• Don’t reward your child for every act of helpfulness, such as clearing the dinner table. We should expect our kids to help around the house, with siblings, and with neighbors and only reward uncommon acts of kindness.
• Talk to your child about caring and uncaring acts they see on television and about acts of justice and injustice they might witness or hear about in the news.
• Make gratitude a daily ritual at dinnertime, bedtime, in the car, or on the subway. Express thanks for those who contribute to us and others in large and small ways.

3. Expand your child’s circle of concern.
Why? Almost all children care about a small circle of their families and friends. Our challenge is help our children learn to care about someone outside that circle, such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn’t speak their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant country.
How? Children need to learn to zoom in, by listening closely and attending to those in their immediate circle, and to zoom out, by taking in the big picture and considering the many perspectives of the people they interact with daily, including those who are vulnerable. They also need to consider how their
decisions, such as quitting a sports team or a band, can ripple out and harm various members of their communities. Especially in our more global world, children need to develop concern for people who live in very different cultures and communities than their own.
Try this
• Make sure your children are friendly and grateful with all the people in their daily lives, such as a bus driver or a waitress.
• Encourage children to care for those who are vulnerable. Give children some simple ideas for stepping into the “caring and courage zone,” like comforting a classmate who was teased.
• Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage your child to think about hardships faced by children in another country.

4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor.
Why? Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults they respect. They also learn values by thinking through ethical dilemmas with adults, e.g. “Should I invite a new neighbor to my birthday party when my best friend doesn’t like her?”
How? Being a moral role model and mentor means that we need to practice honesty, fairness, and caring ourselves. But it doesn’t mean being perfect all the time. For our children to respect and trust us, we need to acknowledge our mistakes and flaws. We also need to respect children’s thinking and listen
to their perspectives, demonstrating to them how we want them to engage others.
Try this:
• Model caring for others by doing community service at least once a month. Even better, do this service with your child.
• Give your child an ethical dilemma at dinner or ask your child about dilemmas they’ve faced.

5. Guide children in managing destructive feelings
Why? Often the ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings.
How? We need to teach children that all feelings are okay, but some ways of dealing with them are not helpful. Children need our help learning to cope with these feelings in productive ways.
Try this
Here’s a simple way to teach your kids to calm down: ask your child to stop, take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth, and count to five. Practice when your child is calm. Then, when you see her getting upset, remind her about the steps and do them with her. After a while she’ll start to do it on her own so that she can express her feelings in a helpful and appropriate way.

After 10 hours of labor, my doctor turned to me and said, “Time for a C-section.” Before I could say “Why?” or even “Huh?” I was carted off and cut up like a roast turkey while I lay there gritting my teeth and wondering: How did this happen?

While cesareans are often necessary to preserve the health of both mom and baby, stories abound of doctors being slash-happy to ward off malpractice suits or even just to get home in time for dinner. To this day, I ask myself if there’s anything I could have done to dodge my C-section, and it turns out there are plenty of ways to at least lower the odds. Here are 7 things moms can try to curb their risk of going under the knife.

Pick a doctor with a low C-section rate. First off, don't be shy: Ask your OB/GYN about their C-section rate. Like a batting average, it will give you a sense of whether a cesarean may be in your future, too. While 33 percent of births nationwide end up C-sections, the frequency for a particular physician can range way above or below that. “For a healthy woman with a single pregnancy past 37 weeks, you'd like to see that rate around 15 percent,” says Robert Atlas, M.D., an OB/GYN at Mercy Medical Center in Rockville Center, New York, who's studied C-section for the past 10 years and acts as “C-section police” at his hospital, making sure the procedure is truly necessary. And since your primary provider may not be on shift the day your baby arrives, “find out the C-section rate of her call group as a whole,” adds Linda Rice, a certified nurse midwife at Harvard Vanguard in Chelmsford, Massachusetts. “Clinicians with higher C-section rates aren't necessarily bad doctors, but are usually just more conservative and will usually be forthcoming about where they lie on that spectrum.” If a doctor hems and haws about his answer, that's a red flag he has something to hide. 

Or choose a midwife instead. Although midwives handle only 8 percent of all births, they boast lower C-section rates across the board compared to those overseen by doctors, hovering around 3 to 4 percent. Why? Midwives don't perform C-sections, although they can call for one if necessary. The difference is they just don't think they're necessary as often as doctors do. This is due to their training, says Bruce Flamm, M.D., an obstetrician at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Riverside, California. Midwives are taught to “see labor as physiology,” he explains. “We OBs are trained to see labor as a disaster waiting to happen.” 

Hire a doula. Doulas attend only 1 percent of births, yet studies show their presence lowers the odds of C-section by 40 percent. A doula doesn't deliver the baby; she's just there to ensure the delivery happens the way the mom wants, making suggestions and advocating on her behalf in case the mom is too distracted or delirious to make these decisions herself. “She may put the mother in the best positions for her and the baby and suggest the right questions once an OB would suggest a C-section,” says Stephanie Heintzeler, a doula in New York, New York. 

Don't get induced. “Induction increases the odds of a cesarean to 40 percent,” says Dr. Atlas. “The reason is if the cervix is not ready, you're forcing a process that might not be ready to be forced.” So unless an induction is medically necessary, try to hold off until 41 weeks, one week after your official due date. After that point a baby's health begins to be compromised; by 42 weeks an induction is par for the course since your placenta stops working well enough to keep your baby healthy. 

Labor at home as long as possible. Traditionally hospitals admit women who are at least four centimeters dilated. But new research suggests most women can wait at home until six centimeters -- and that this could lower C-section rates. The reason: As soon as you set foot in a hospital, you could be exposed to a range of medical interventions that could slow down your birth and pave the way toward a cesarean. “Early interventions confuse the body in labor and things don't progress,” says Heintzeler. “The more interventions the mother has -- like an epidural or Pitocin -- the more likely she will have a C-section.” Even just being stuck in a bed hooked up to an IV and fetal monitor can throw a wrench in things. “Being up and not tethered to monitors or IVs is not only more comfortable but can help your body proceed through labor normally,” says Rice. 

Know that the “standard” labor rate is outdated. One of the first lessons OB/GYNs learn in med school is Friedman's Curve, based on a researcher who found that women's “active” labor (past four centimeters) progresses at about one centimeter per hour. Anything slower was deemed “failure to progress” and a prime C-section candidate. The problem? This research dates back to 1955, and a lot has changed since then that makes this benchmark obsolete. For instance, most of Friedman's study subjects were sedated, and younger, and slimmer than women are now -- all of which makes his curve ideal rather than average. Yet many hospitals still use it as their yardstick to determine whether a C-section is merited. Bottom line: Don't let anyone tell you you're not “progressing fast enough.” Also keep in mind that “hospitals are in the business of moving things along,” points out Debi Tracy, a certified childbirth educator in Oceanside, New York. “So if you're sitting there and not progressing, it's very likely they'll make suggestions to speed things up, often to benefit their bottom line, not to the benefit of the child or mom.” 

If your doc recommends a C-section, ask these questions first. “I have three questions I give my clients to ask their OB if a C-section is suggested,” says Heintzeler. “Those questions are: 1) Is my baby okay, is there any danger at this point? 2) Am I okay? 3) Can we please wait? If an OB agrees to wait, it shows there is no urgency, just impatience. Sometimes they will be like, 'Well, we can wait but things will probably look the same in one to two hours, so why not do the C-section right now?' Yet if we wait those one to two hours, most likely a C-section can be avoided, and if not, the mother knows she did everything she could and had enough time. She will feel more in control, that's the key.”

Hypnosis for childbirth has garnered a lot of attention in recent years and even has a celebrity following with the likes of Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian reportedly using the techniques to make their experiences easier.

If you’re pregnant and worried about giving birth, you might have wondered if the techniques would work for you.

Here, find out what hypnosis really is, how it works, and if it can really make labor pain-free.

Fear causes pain

Forget the image of a hypnotherapist waving a clock and taking control of your mind. “The definition of hypnosis is relaxation plus focus,” said Cynthia Overgard, founder of HypnoBirthing of Connecticut, a prenatal education center in Westport.  Just like yoga requires relaxation and deep breathing during a physically challenging moment, hypnosis can do the same for the pregnant mom.

HypnoBirthing, a specific hypnosis method and program, is based on the idea that fear and tension will cause pain. When a woman is in labor, oxytocin—an endorphin known as the feel-good, love hormone—not only produces contractions but can help the mother to have a safe, comfortable birth, according to Overgard.

“Where birth ends up getting complicated for humans is that women often don’t feel 100 percent safe, trusting and relaxed,” she said.

And when that happens, a woman’s body stops producing oxytocin.  Adrenaline starts to rise, and it redirects blood flow away from the cervix and the uterus into the arms and legs. The result is a flight or fight response, which can make a woman feel anxious, fearful, and even prevent her cervix from dilating and slow down labor.

“Adrenaline or fear, literally (and) physically, turns off labor,” Overgard said. “This goes way beyond just positive thinking. This really comes down to the chemical hormones. It’s a total, pure science.”

How hypnosis can help

HypnoBirthing uses tools like deep breathing, visualization and relaxation techniques that can help the woman maintain a calm body and mind.  During labor, she might dim the lights, keep the room quiet and play relaxing music.  

Another major component of the program is listening to guided relaxation, which is an intentional way to practice hypnosis and condition the mind and body to be calm and relaxed. Mothers also listen to birth affirmations which can make them feel confident in their ability to give birth.  

“Your subconscious mind is hearing messages that bypass the conscious mind, and they change the beliefs in your mind,” Overgard said.

Word choice is important

Another focus of hypnosis is on the words used before and during labor and delivery. “The words we say and the words we hear have a direct impact on the physiology of our body,” Overgard said. In fact, when reassuring words are used as women were administered a local anesthetic, they experienced less pain, according to a study in the journal Anesthesia & Analgesia.  

“There are subtle ways that you can change the words that are used that can really change that whole experience,” said Dr. William Camann, co-author of the study and director of obstetric anesthesia at Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston, Mass. For example, in HypnoBirthing, “sensation” is used instead of “pain” and “surge” instead of “contraction.”

Colin Christopher, a clinical hypnotherapist who works with expecting mothers throughout their pregnancies, said his clients have experienced shorter labors and a significant reduction in pain. In addition to relaxation techniques and visualization, he uses the hypno-epidural technique to simulate what an epidural would feel like. And instead of using the word “pain,” “we talk about allowing your body to become focused, calm and relaxed,” he said.

Does it really work?

According to the HypnoBirthing Institute, mothers who used the method were less likely to have cesarean sections, interventions and pre-term babies. About 25 percent described their birth as painful and 10 percent as extremely painful.

Yet measuring how effective hypnosis is really depends on your goals, especially because childbirth can be so unpredictable. So if your hope is to use hypnosis to try to avoid an epidural but end up getting it anyway, “you could be very disappointed, because the expectations were not realistic,” according to Camann, who is also the author ofEasy Labor: Every Woman's Guide to Choosing Less Pain and More Joy During Childbirth.

Plus, if you use hypnosis, it doesn’t mean you can’t also have a doula or get an epidural. “Many of the different methods of labor pain relief are compatible with each other,” Camann said.

“The goal of HypnoBirthing is not natural birth,” Overgard said. “The goal is to be calm and in control.”



Julie Revelant is a freelance writer and copywriter specializing in parenting, health, healthcare, nutrition, food and women's issues. She’s also a mom of two. Learn more about Julie atrevelantwriting.com.

When Amy Redfern was pregnant with her first baby, now a healthy 3 1/2-year-old girl, she wasn't at all nervous about giving birth.

Her daughter, who was positioned sideways in Redfern's uterus, needed to be delivered via a planned cesarean section that she described as peaceful. "I used a lot of stress reduction techniques that I know from meditation and yoga," said Redfern, a freelance creative consultant and yoga instructor. "We really had a great experience."

But during her second pregnancy, Redfern, who was 39 weeks along when she spoke to The Huffington Post, was "really, deeply afraid." At 39 years old, Redfern is considered "old" in the pregnancy world, she joked ("They like to scare you more when you're older, but then tell you not to be afraid."). She was also trying for a vaginal birth after her C-section -- a procedure that carries a slight risk of uterine rupture, and that would require a 90-minute drive from her Maine home to the only area hospital that would perform it.

"At one point, it seemed like everywhere I looked, there were articles about mothers dying in childbirth," she said. "I kept thinking, is this a premonition? Intuition? Just irrational fear? I couldn't figure it out." Regardless of the cause, she has spent much of her pregnancy trying to manage daily moments of panic about dying and leaving her husband to raise the pair's two children on his own.

NORMAL ANXIETY OR SOMETHING MORE?

Childbirth is an enormous physical and emotional event, and it is not without risk. About 650 women die each year in the United States as a result of pregnancy or delivery complications, according to the Centers for Disease Control. Though many women approach birth with little apprehension, others admit to at least some degree of fear: A 2013 poll of 900 women in Britain found that 35 percent said their greatest anxiety before starting a family was the act of giving birth.

But for a smaller percentage of women, fear plays a more defining role. Estimates suggest that 13 percent of women postpone pregnancy, or avoid it altogether, a condition known as "tokophobia" -- a pathological fear of pregnancy and giving birth, first introduced into medical literature in 2000. And for women like Redfern, who become pregnant despite their anxiety, or who become overwhelmed by it only after they conceive, help and empathy are often in short supply. What generally is expected to be a happy time, can become one of dread and self-reproach.

"I was grateful to be having this baby and having a healthy pregnancy," Redfern said. "But I felt ashamed of the feelings I was having."

Tokophobia, which is not currently included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual -- often considered the bible of modern psychiatry -- is generally broken into two categories. Primary tokophobia refers to women whose fears predate their pregnancies, and the range of potential concerns is broad -- the actual pain, the increasingly high odds of medical interventions and surgery, or simply the unknown. Others experience tokophobia only after a previous traumatic delivery experience, explained Dr. Shari Lusskin, a clinical professor of psychiatry in the Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology and Reproductive Science at Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York.

"Some have faced a life-threatening trauma, which can certainly induce post-traumatic stress disorder," she said. "Other women may not have had a trauma that was potentially life threatening, but who felt traumatized by the experience of being a patient in some way or another."

For Stephanie Jones, a 25-year-old mother of two from North Carolina who had a C-section after 13 hours of labor with her first child, it was a fear of reliving the pain. Something went wrong with her anesthesia and she felt much of the cutting and tugging on the left side of her body. "They would not stop despite the fact that I was screaming," she said. “They put me straight to sleep after delivering my daughter and I didn't actually 'meet' her until she was over 4 hours old." With her second C-section, Jones cried uncontrollably from the second the doctors and nurses began prepping her for surgery, until she was in recovery.

DOCTORS RESPOND

Whatever the cause, research suggests women's angst can become a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. A 2012 study from Sweden found that women who feared birth were more likely to ask for, and to have, a C-section. They also reported their pain as more intense than women who were unafraid -- even with widespread use of pain medication. A Norwegian study found labor lasts roughly one hour and a half longer in women who are scared of childbirth than it does for those who are not. Another study published in the journal BMJ Open found that "fear of childbirth appeared to increase the prevalence of postpartum depression by about three-fold in women without a history of depression and five-fold in women with known depressive disease." 

Yet despite the range of ways in which fear can affect birth and the postpartum period, some women find little sympathy from their health care providers. "The first time I brought it up, she was so dismissive," said Redfern, whose OB-GYN's response what something like, 'You've brought this up with your therapist, right?'" Redfern was so taken aback she didn't admit to not having a therapist -- nor did she feel comfortable asking for a referral.

Victoria Spina, a 36-year-old stay-at-home mom, felt similarly dismissed. She was elated when she became pregnant with twins -- until she bought a book about expecting multiples, which made her panic about miscarriages, preterm birth or birth defects. "I had family telling me … 'It's just your hormones, it's just your hormones!'" she said. "But when you're freaking out, having someone tell you, 'it's just your hormones' doesn't help."

WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE FEAR

Yet there are approaches that can make a difference. "Cognitive behavioral therapy can be very effective at reducing the anxiety," said Lusskin. "Some women who have tokophobia -- or even if it doesn't quite move to that level of severity -- will also have underlying anxiety disorders or mood disorders that need to be addressed. Some will need medication during pregnancy, in addition to therapy."

Another approach that can be helpful is HypnoBirthing® -- a birth preparation technique gaining popularity. Exact methods differ, but it aims to arm women and their partners with mindfulness tools, such as positive visualizations, which they can focus on throughout delivery.

"The theory is that when patients have fear of labor and the pain of labor, it increases endorphins, which increases the pain receptors," explained Dr. Rebecca Starck, an OB-GYN at the Cleveland Clinic's Hillcrest Hospital, which has been offering hypnobirthing classes since last fall. "It's very hard to prove cause and effect, because each patient is different and each labor is different. But there really is no downside to going into labor with positive visualizations ready." 

Christina Levine, a 31-year-old mother from North Carolina, was incredibly nervous about childbirth. Then she discovered hypnobirthing, which she found only because the birth center where she intended to deliver required parents to take a birthing class and it fit with her schedule. A self-described planner who struggled with not knowing what birth would feel like, or how her body would perform, Levine said it provided a surprising sense of purpose and control in the months leading up to her due date.

"It really did help keep me focused on the positive," she said. During labor, she listened to hypnobirthing CDs filled with guided meditations and imagery exercises. Levine said they helped her surrender to the pain -- to a point. "I was really glad to have something to listen to and focus on, but there was a moment when I called the lady [on the CD] a liar and turned it off!" Levine laughed. 

For Redfern, things began to improve when she finally acknowledged her fears to a more receptive OB-GYN with her practice. She told her husband, her sister and a few close friends about her fear of dying during childbirth, and found that saying it aloud almost instantly released some of the shame. Still, with three months to go, she felt she needed more tools to fight her anxiety. She stopped reading anything related to maternal health and began studying hypnobirthing. In lieu of a baby shower, she asked her female friends and family to attend what she dubbed a "baby blessing" where guests brought her poems, or a prayer or blessing of support.

"I've been able to get myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually into a place where I feel more relaxed," said Redfern, adding that one week before her due date, she was feeling optimistic.

At a friend's suggestion, she developed a mantra, which she continues to use whenever she feels afraid -- say, while folding onesies or trying to fall asleep at night.

"We are safe," Redfern whispers to herself and her unborn baby. "We are safe."

http://www.bellybelly.com.au/birth/braxton-hicks-contractions-what-are-braxton-hicks#.U7BSRvldWSo

Braxton Hicks are painless, irregular uterine contractions, although some women do report feeling discomfort during them. The contractions do not become more intense, frequent or longer over time, because they are practise contractions and not labour contractions. Each contraction tends to last around 30 seconds, although can last up to two minutes. It is uncommon for women to experience more than four in an hour.

Why Do I Get Braxton Hicks Contractions?

Braxton Hicks contractions are thought to increase blood flow to the uterus and placenta, and aid the transfer of oxygen to the foetus. Some health practitioners believe that Braxton Hicks tightenings are the body’s way of preparing for labour – a work out for the uterine muscles, if you will. In the last few weeks of pregnancy, Braxton Hicks contractions help to move the baby and engage the head in preparation for labour.

During a contraction, your belly will feel quite hard to the touch. If looking in a mirror, you will be able to see your muscles tightening as you experience a contraction. Some women report being able to see the position of the baby in the womb during tightenings.

Who Gets Braxton Hicks Contractions?

Braxton Hicks contractions start around the sixth week of pregnancy, although may not be felt until the second or third trimester. This is because the larger the uterus, the more obvious the contractions feel. All women have Braxton Hicks contractions, but not all women will feel them. Some women may be able to feel them early on, whereas others may experience them only during the last few weeks of pregnancy.

Do Braxton Hicks Contractions Cause Any Problems?

Braxton Hicks contractions are a normal part of pregnancy and do not indicate cause for concern. Similarly, not experiencing them is normal too – it just means you can’t feel them happening. Assuming you feel able to, you can continue as normal and do not need to take any extra precautions as a result of these contractions.

What Should I Do If I Experience Braxton Hicks Contractions?

During the last few weeks of pregnancy, you may start to experience more discomfort during Braxton Hicks contractions, this is due to the larger size of your uterus.

To avoid discomfort, you can try the following:

• Change activity or position. If you are sitting down, try getting up and taking a walk or some light exercise. If you were standing up, trying lying down on your left hand side. You should find a change of pace causes the tightenings to ease off.
• If you can, try having a warm bath. This may stop the contractions, or you may find the heat relaxes you and decreases any discomfort.
• Drink a glass of water. Braxton Hicks can be caused by dehydration, and due to the excess water pregnant women need to consume, it is always worth having a glass to see if this helps.
• The tightenings can be brought on by having a full bladder (no doubt due to all that excess water you’ve been drinking trying to stop the last bout of Braxton Hicks contractions!), so try going to the toilet.

Towards the end of the pregnancy, the contractions may become more uncomfortable, but should still not grow longer, stronger and closer together like the contractions of true labour.

If you are worried that your contractions do not fit the description here, and may be real labour, please contact your midwife. If the contractions are accompanied by vaginal bleeding, lower back pain, vaginal discharge or diarrhea, you should ring your midwife immediately.

Anne Lamott wrote that each baby comes out clutching a third of its mother’s brain. And in my experience, that feels about right! Just the other day, I warned my husband that I may be experiencing early onset dementia.

Here are five crazy ways pregnancy changes your brain

1. Your brain shrinks… literally

It appears that there may be a physical component to “baby brain.” Researchers at Hammersmith 
Hospital in the U.K. discovered that brains of healthy pregnant women decreased in size by up to six percent! Fortunately, women’s brains return to their prepregnancy size six months after delivery.

2. You get filled with love hormones

Oxytocin, or the “hormone of love and bonding,” is something we release naturally during pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. Oxytocin makes women calmer, more trusting, and more open to love. In fact, levels of oxytocin in pregnant women can even predict mother-child bonding. While oxytocin amps up the love within a family, it can also increase defensive aggression toward people outside of the family group, which explains the phenomenon of Mama Bear. Grr….

3. You get great at recognizing faces

Researchers at McMaster University recently found 
that pregnant women are significantly better at recognizing faces – men’s faces in particular. Why? Well, one theory holds that women become particularly vigilant toward men during pregnancy, to quickly spot – and avoid – threats.

4. You become a master multitasker

We already know that women are better at multitasking then men. Apparently, the performance gap widens even further during pregnancy, when activity increases in the prefrontal cortex, the part of our brains in charge of multi-tasking.

5. You get smarter

Wait, isn’t the whole “baby brain” thing supposed to be about moms losing some of their wits? Not quite. A study out of Yale study found that motherhood sets off structural changes in the brain, increasing its processing capabilities. And the more doting moms are on their babies, the smarter the mothers become! YAY!

So maybe “baby brain” ain’t all bad?

Most moms have experienced what is known as "baby brain." But it turns out that our brains really do undergo some surprising changes during pregnancy.

Apparently not! Which is encouraging news. Just because I can’t remember what day it is, or when the baby went down for a nap, doesn’t mean I’m less intelligent. It just means that I’m running on less sleep – and maybe that I’m dedicating more mental resources to loving my kids.

One last bit of good news

In laboratory tests, pregnant rodents experienced many of these same benefits (better multitasking, spatial skills, and decreased anxiety). But here’s the kicker: the rats enjoyed these benefits of pregnancy throughout the rest of their lives, long after their babies grew up. Hey, so we’ve got that going for us too.

You've just given birth. You had a tough time and you're not sure how you feel – but your body hurts and there are some memories floating around that you'd rather forget. As you hold your newborn and greet the stream of well-wishers, there's one phrase you're almost certain to hear: "All that matters is a healthy baby."

This phrase is repeated so often it has almost become a cliché. New mothers hear it over and over, usually the moment they begin to open up and say that having their baby was difficult or even traumatic. Sometimes they even find they are saying it themselves: "Giving birth was awful, but at least I got my healthy baby, that's all that matters."

And this is wrong. Because a healthy baby is not ALL that matters.

This article might push your buttons so before we go on I want to ask you to stay calm, grab a cuppa and keep your wig on. I need to be very very clear, because I know from experience that talking about this issue can cause an outcry. So please listen carefully. The following sentence is crucial:

When a woman gives birth, a healthy baby is absolutely completely and utterly the most important thing.

Got that? OK – do not adjust your wig, there's more…

It is not ALL that matters.

Two things – just to repeat: a healthy baby is the most important thing, AND it is not all that matters.

Women matter too. When we tell women that a healthy baby is all that matters we often silence them. We say, or at least we very strongly imply, that their feelings do not matter, and that even though the birth may have left them feeling hurt, shocked or even violated, they should not complain because their baby is healthy and this is the only important thing.

Not only do we turn a blind eye to the woman's feelings, but by gaily proclaiming everyone 'healthy' we also ignore the complex relationship between mother and baby, and the impact of the birth experience on the future mental and physical health of both of them.

Too often women who say they care about the details of their baby's birth day are accused of wanting an 'experience', as if it is selfish to care about how their baby is born, how they feel or how they are treated. But, as the saying goes, 'when a baby is born, so is a mother'. If a mother feels broken, dispirited, depressed or traumatised, how will this affect her baby? Is this healthy?

A good birth doesn't have to be a hippy dippy 'natural' birth, all candles, knitting midwives and placenta smoothies. Many women who have hospital births that don't go the way they planned and end in interventions such as caesareans, report feeling positive about what happened. This is because how a woman is spoken to and treated as she has her baby is much much more important than the actual mode of delivery.

Women need to feel that they have been consulted, respected and given the information they need to make free choices in the best interest of themselves and their child. This allows them to begin motherhood feeling strong, capable and mentally healthy – surely the best way to be when you are about to be given another human being's fragile developing psychology to hold tenderly in the palm of your hand?

Birth matters. To be respected, to be treated with dignity, to be in control of what happens to our bodies. To really feel the power of bringing a new life into the world – no matter whether in theatre or at home in a birth pool – why is it so wrong for women to want this?

Some women ask for a 'woman-centred' caesarean. This means a caesarean in which things are done differently, only slightly, but different nevertheless. Doctors keep their voices low. Music of choice can be played. The screen is lowered for the woman to watch the birth, if she so wishes. Wires usually attached to her chest are instead put on her back, so that baby can be placed immediately on her for skin-to-skin contact. The atmosphere is kept reverent, respectful. Why?!

Because birth, no matter how it happens, is important. It is a huge event in a woman's life that she will remember in great detail for as long as she lives. We don't have much 'spirituality' these days, but even for the most cynical of us, the moment when a new human being takes their first breath is a special and significant one. And yes, being there and being a part of it, is an 'experience'.

Some reading this might feel this is nonsense. They don't want a spiritual experience, or a rite of passage, or essential oils or a statue of a goddess. They don't want the curtain lowered so they can see either, they just want the baby out safe and sound, and that's fine too. Women are many and varied; birth can be many and varied too and should, ideally, be just as each woman wants it.

What we do know is that many women DO care about what happens to them when they have their baby, but that they find it hard to talk about these feelings in a culture which persistently tells them that they really shouldn't, and that what goes on in the delivery room is always acceptable as long as everyone survives.

Taken to the extreme, this idea that the woman does not matter as long as the baby is healthy can create an environment in which her autonomy over her own body is completely lost. If there is even a very small risk to the baby, what is justifiable? Recently, we have seen more and more reports of enforced caesareans, putting me in mind of the story – hilarious and awful both at once - of Dr Donal O'Sullivan, who famously declared on Irish radio in 1996 that if a woman wanted a home birth, her husband ought to put a bridle on her and 'drive' her to hospital like cattle.

Extreme, perhaps, but if we continue to repeat that a healthy baby is all that matters, we open the doors for all manner of undignified or even abusive treatment to happen to women in the quest for absolute safety. We reduce a woman to being a mere 'vessel' for her child, and we quickly silence anyone who wishes to protest against any aspect of their care that they didn't feel comfortable with.

A healthy baby is the most important thing, and it is not all that matters.

Respect, consent, choice, dignity – all that matters too.

BestDaily columnist Milli Hill is the founder of The Positive Birth Movement. 

The Positive Birth Movement is launching a new project, All That Matters. They want to hear women's stories of what mattered to them when they were giving birth, apart from a healthy baby. To find out more visit http://www.positivebirthmovement.org/all-that-matters-project.html or find the project on Twitter @atmprojectpbm