I’ve lost count of the amount of times I have been asked these questions! What amazes me though is that society in general doesn’t get it, they don’t get why so many babies need to be held by us to settle and what perplexes me even more is that we do spend so long trying to put them down!
We spend more than time though, the ‘putting babies down’ industry is worth millions, rocking cribs, battery swings, vibrating chairs, heartbeat teddies and the list goes on………………having been a first time parent who bought all four of the items listed above I am embarrased to admit now it honestly didn’t enter into my head that perhaps the answer was to *not* put my baby down and I certainly didn’t consider why these things might help. It took me a long time to understand and empathise with my baby, to see the world through his eyes so to speak.
“Empathy: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing ofthe feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.”
To empathise with our newborns feelings we need to put ourselves in their place, to imagine experiencing their world – but which world? The world they have spent most of their life in, their ‘womb world’ or the world they are in now – our world. To fully understand we must appreciate the enormous transition they have made – a concept known to many as ‘The Fourth Trimester’ -some make the womb to world transition easily, others less so and it is this latter group in particular “the clingy babies” we can learn so much from through this concept.
“Birth suddenly disrupts this organization. During the month following birth, baby tries to regain his sense of organization and fit into life outside the womb. Birth and adaptation to postnatal life bring out the temperament of the baby, so for the first time he must do something to have his needs met. He is forced to act, to “behave.” If hungry, cold, or startled, he cries. He must make an effort to get the things he needs from his caregiving environment. If his needs are simple and he can get what he wants easily, he’s labeled an “easy baby”; if he does not adapt readily, he is labeled “difficult.”” – Dr. William Sears.
So lets quickly compare the two different ‘worlds’ your baby has lived in:
Pretty different huh? On top of this the big thing to understand is that in utero the baby’s world was constant, each day was the same, the stimulation didn’t change, but now they are born each day is different – ever changing, ever stimulating!
You’ll find much more discussion on fourth trimester and ideas to help you cope for the first 6 months of parenthood, including sleep, developmental stages, recovering from birth, routines and coping with colic and cluster feeding in my BabyCalm Book – available from Amazon in the UK or if you’re in the USA you can pre-order the US version released next year from Amazon.com. If you’re elsewhere you can order with worldwide free delivery from The Book Depository .
READ ON FOR TIPS TO COPE WITH THE FOURTH TRIMESTER:
The concept of the fourth trimester helps us to understand the transition a newborn must make over their first few weeks earthside and once we understand we find so many ways we can help – but to me the most important facet of the fourth trimester is parental understanding and empathy, once that exists everything else will flow naturally.
Here are some common newborn calming techniques that tend to work quite well, but remember each and every baby is different, if you don’t already know, you will soon learn what your baby likes best and that’s what matters, that it is unique to *your* baby. Prescriptive ‘do this/don’t do this’ baby calming lists don’t help anybody – because they forget they are dealing with individuals – both parents and babies! Some things on this list will be inappropriate for you and your baby, some simply won’t work, some you won’t like – and that’s OK! because really it isn’t about these tips it’s about you and your baby getting to know each other!
Movement: The womb is a constantly moving space, Braxton Hicks would squeeze your baby at the end of pregnancy and each time you moves your baby was wobbled around inside. Imagine how walking upstairs feels for a baby in utero! Babies tend to love movement but so often we put them down somewhere completely still. You could try dancing, swaying from side to side, going for an exaggerated quick walk or bumpy car ride.
Swaddling: Imagine how snug your baby was at the very end of your pregnancy inside of you – now imagine how strange it must feel to them after they have been born and have so much space around them! The absolutely best thing you can do is to envelop your baby in your arms, but for times when you don’t want to or indeed can’t then swaddling is an option.
Swaddling is becoming increasingly popular, however there are important safety guidelines to be followed if you choose to swaddle your baby, if you are breastfeeding please make sure feeding is established before swaddling and take care not to miss your baby’s hunger cues if you are feeding on demand:
Skin to Skin Contact: Such a brilliant baby calmer! Being in contact with your warm, naturally (un)scented, skin is heaven for a baby, it helps to stabilise their body temperature, heart rate and stress hormones and stimulates the release of oxytocin – the love and bonding hormone – in you both. Topless cuddles, shared baths, baby massage and bedsharing are all great skin to skin experiences for your baby and you.
Bed-Sharing: Sharing a bed with your baby is an amazing way of getting more sleep for everyone, babies are generally much calmer and sleep more easily if they sleep with you in your bed, yet it is such a taboo topic and although 60% of parents will share a bed with their baby at some point it’s a subject that makes society very uncomfortable, but…it is an *amazing* baby calmer! It’s really important that you think about how bedsharing will work and follow some important safety guidelines HERE. Recent media hype would have you believe that bedsharing is dangerous however the research has been incredibly misreported and is highly flawed there is still NO research that shows bedsharing following the guidelines above is a safety/SIDS risk – NONE. Have a read of my piece HERE on bedsharing safety myths.
BabywearingWearing your baby in a sling is one of the ultimate ways to keep them calm and happy. It increases the time a baby spends in a state of “quiet alertness” – a time of contentment when they learn the most. When a baby is in utero they spend 100% of their time in physical contact with us – yet the moment they are born this is estimated to drop to only 40%! Babywearing also means 2 free hands!
Choose your sling carefully. This is a quick guide I put togeter: http://sarahockwell-smith.com/2013/01/01/how-to-choose-the-right-sling-or-carrier-for-you-and-your-baby/ A good sling will be easy to use and will support both yours and your baby’s spine whilst not placing any pressure on your baby’s growing hips – newborns should always be carried facing inwards with a “frog leg” pose, not a crotch dangle pose so commonly used by commercial baby carriers. Also seek to carry in an ‘in arms’ position – i.e: how your baby would be held if you were holding them! This great picture from JePorteMonBebe highlights this newborn hold position perfectly.
My favourite slings for the first 6 months are the Hana Baby Wrap and the Moby Wrap. Babywearing is a great way for dads to bond with babies too!
It is quite common for a baby to cry once placed in a sling, this does not mean that they hate the sling – it just means that you need to move, so get dancing!
As with swaddling,babywearing is becoming increasingly popular, however there are important safety guidelines to be followed, the TICKS acronym below neatly sums them all up:
Position: The “tiger in the tree” position below, taken from baby yoga, is often magical, stopping a crying baby in an instant! More on this HERE.
Noise: Babies love sound, but for many not the sound you might think. For many babies a hoover is much more calming to a baby than a lullaby. A white noise CD such as the one by BabyCalm HERE or from Amazon can be played on loop whilst your baby sleeps to help keep them calm.
Feed: If your baby is hungry nothing will calm him, so watch for his hunger cues. Feeding is always better if it is baby led, not led by a routine – whether you are breast or bottle feeding. Remember as well that your baby may not always be hungry for a full feed, they may want a quick drink, a quick snack or just some comfort sucking. Babies also find sucking the ultimate relaxation and comfort tool. Sucking helps a baby’s skull bones to return to their normal position after birth as well as providing them with comfort and security. If you are not breastfeeding you might find your baby will relax when given a dummy/pacifier. Your baby is by far the best guide for beginning a feeding routine, not the timings of an ‘expert’ who has never met your baby!!
Deep Bathing: The womb is a wet, warm place. The world as we know it is dry and cold! Sometimes a nice deep, warm bath can stop a baby’s tears in seconds – even better if mummy or daddy goes in the big bath with baby too as skin to skin contact is a wonderful baby calmer. Bathing with your baby is a wonderful bonding experience for dad too – more on ways dad can bond with baby HERE.
Outside: If all else fails many babies stop crying the minute they hit the open air – I’m not sure if this is because we are usually moving (e.g.: walking over cobbles with the buggy/ bouncing in a sling and the drone and movement of a car) or because of the change in air – but it works!
If you like this article You’ll find a much more in-depth discussion on this idea and ideas to help you cope for the first 6 months of parenthood, including sleep, developmental stages, recovering from birth, routines and coping with colic and cluster feeding in my BabyCalm Book – available from Amazon in the UK or if you’re in the USA you can pre-order the American version released next year in the USA from Amazon.com. If you’re elsewhere you can order with worldwide free delivery from The Book Depository .
Sarah Ockwell-Smith (Mother to Four, Parenting Author and Founder of BabyCalm Ltd)
You can read more of Sarah’s articles HERE.